ADHD in Women: When Everyday Tasks Take More Than Anyone Sees

By Carly | Thrive Counselling Solutions Adelaide

You want to go to the gym.

You know you’ll probably enjoy moving once you’re there. You’ve even set aside the time. But first, you need to stop what you’re doing, find your exercise clothes, get changed, locate your headphones, fill your water bottle, leave the house, drive, find a park and walk inside.

Somewhere between thinking about going and finding your shoes, it all starts to feel like too much.

Then comes the familiar thought: Why can’t I just get on with it?

For some women with ADHD, this is a recognisable experience. The desire is there. The intention is there. Yet getting from wanting to doing can take far more effort than anyone else sees.

When ADHD is recognised later in life, experiences like these can begin to make sense. There may be relief in finding an explanation. There may also be sadness about how long you spent believing you simply weren’t trying hard enough.

Understanding that effort is a place to begin.

There can be a lot hidden inside a “simple” task

“Just make the phone call.”

“Just have a shower.”

“Just fill out the form.”

The word just makes these activities sound like single actions. Often, they involve several decisions, transitions and steps.

Making a phone call might mean finding the number, checking opening hours, gathering information, working out what to say and preparing for questions you weren’t expecting.

Having a shower means stopping one activity, moving to another space, getting undressed, adjusting to different sensations, washing, drying and getting dressed again.

ADHD can affect executive functioning: the mental processes that help us organise and carry out what we intend to do. These include getting started, holding information in mind, shifting attention and adjusting when plans change. Difficulties vary between people and situations; the Australian ADHD guideline provides a broader account of how ADHD can affect everyday functioning.

You might know exactly what needs doing and still struggle to begin. You might start, become distracted and lose track of the next step. Or you might become absorbed in something and find stopping surprisingly difficult.

From the outside, someone sees an unfinished task.

From the inside, you may have been negotiating with it for hours.

When unfinished tasks follow you into your downtime

Perhaps you’ve finally sat down with a cup of tea, but your mind keeps returning to the appointment you need to book.

Then you remember the email you haven’t answered. The form on the kitchen bench. The message you opened three days ago.

You aren’t doing those tasks, but they’re still taking up space.

Some people describe this as having too many tabs open. Others experience it as a persistent sense that they’ve forgotten something.

Writing things down can help, but a list doesn’t always bring relief. You may still worry about remembering to check it, choosing where to start or finding the energy to follow through.

This is one way everyday difficulties can become tangled with anxiety. A task feels demanding, so you put it off. Putting it off brings worry or consequences. By the time you return to it, you’re facing the task and the feelings that have gathered around it.

Not everyone with ADHD experiences this pattern, and unfinished-task anxiety isn’t unique to ADHD. But when it happens regularly, it can make rest feel strangely difficult.

Your body has stopped. Your mind is still keeping track.

The criticism can become part of how you see yourself

If this has been happening for years, you may have developed some painful explanations.

I’m unreliable.

I never finish anything.

Everyone else manages. Why can’t I?

Perhaps other people said these things first. Perhaps you became very good at hiding your difficulties: overpreparing, staying up late, checking repeatedly or using the pressure of a deadline to get through.

People might see someone capable and organised without seeing what it costs to maintain that impression.

Research exploring women’s experiences of delayed ADHD diagnosis describes internalised criticism, shame and difficulties with self-esteem. These are accounts of lived experience, rather than a description of every woman with ADHD, but they show why recognition can carry considerable emotional weight. Read the research on women’s experiences of undiagnosed ADHD.

Recognising ADHD later in life can prompt a different question:

What was happening for me when I thought I was failing?

That question may bring relief. It may also bring grief for the support you didn’t receive or the years spent being hard on yourself.

You don’t have to turn that new understanding into a positive story straight away. Sometimes there is a lot to make sense of.

Where perimenopause fits

For some women, questions about ADHD become more pressing during perimenopause.

You might notice that familiar ways of managing no longer seem sufficient. Remembering appointments feels harder. Interruptions are more disruptive. Keeping up with work, home and relationships seems to require more effort.

Hormonal changes are a possible part of this picture, but the evidence needs careful explanation.

Oestrogen interacts with brain systems involved in attention and cognition, including dopamine signalling. This provides a plausible biological explanation for why hormonal fluctuations might influence ADHD symptoms. However, a plausible explanation does not establish exactly what is happening for an individual.

A systematic review of ADHD and sex hormones found that the evidence base remains limited, particularly around menopause. We cannot confidently attribute every change in attention, memory or emotional regulation to an oestrogen–dopamine relationship.

Sleep disruption, anxiety, low mood, stress and changing responsibilities can also affect concentration and coping.

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition, so recognising it during perimenopause involves considering a longer history, including childhood experiences. New concentration difficulties do not automatically mean ADHD.

If things have changed noticeably, it is worth discussing the broader picture with your GP. You deserve an assessment that takes both your current difficulties and your history seriously.

When something you enjoy becomes another obligation

There is another kind of overwhelm that can be harder to explain.

You enjoy gardening, but now you feel guilty whenever you see the weeds.

You take up painting, then feel you should practise regularly and finish everything you start.

You like walking, until it becomes a daily target you can fall behind on.

The activity may still matter to you. But somewhere along the way, it has acquired deadlines, rules or expectations.

It can be helpful to pause and ask: Do I want to do this today? Do I want some version of it? Or am I responding to the feeling that I should?

Sometimes there are responsibilities we need to meet even when we don’t feel like them. But enjoyable activities don’t all need to become commitments.

You can enjoy painting without producing a finished piece. You can garden without keeping every bed tidy. You can return to a hobby after months away without making up for lost time.

There also needs to be room for rest that has no improvement goal attached.

Self-compassion can mean changing how things work

Self-compassion is often described as speaking to yourself more kindly.

That matters. But it can also involve taking your difficulties seriously enough to change something practical.

If going to the gym requires a sequence of steps you repeatedly struggle with, perhaps you could arrive already dressed, keep a bag packed or choose somewhere closer. Perhaps a walk from your front door suits your life better at the moment.

If important paperwork disappears into a drawer, perhaps the drawer is the wrong place for it.

If phone calls are a recurring barrier, perhaps some appointments can be booked online.

These adjustments may sound small. Their usefulness depends on whether they remove a real point of difficulty for you.

This is the idea behind person–environment fit: considering how well the demands around you match the way you function. The Australian ADHD guideline includes environmental adjustments within its discussion of support and cognitive-behavioural interventions.

A system can look sensible and still be difficult for you to use.

Before deciding you need more discipline, it may be worth asking:

Which part keeps getting in the way?

Perhaps there are too many decisions. Perhaps the first step is unclear. Perhaps the plan depends on remembering something at exactly the right moment.

Self-compassion can mean giving yourself permission to address those conditions. You can take responsibility for what matters while also making it more manageable.

You don’t have to believe every self-critical thought

Even when you understand your ADHD, familiar judgements can arrive quickly.

You miss an appointment and think, I’m hopeless.

You leave the washing in the machine and think, I can’t manage anything.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT, offers ways of noticing thoughts without automatically treating them as facts or instructions.

One approach is called cognitive defusion. In everyday language, it means creating a little space between having a thought and being carried along by it.

There is a difference between:

I’m lazy.

And:

I’m noticing the thought that I’m lazy.

The second version leaves room to look more closely. Are you exhausted? Is the task unclear? Are you struggling to switch activities? Do you need help?

ACT also emphasises psychological flexibility: responding to your circumstances with awareness and choosing actions that connect with what matters to you. The Association for Contextual Behavioral Science explains these ACT processes here.

This won’t remove executive functioning difficulties. It may, however, help you respond to a difficult moment without adding another layer of self-criticism.

If movement matters to you, today’s workable choice might be a short walk. If friendship matters, it might be an honest message saying you’ve been overwhelmed and would like to reconnect.

There can be more than one way to care for what matters.

Making sense of your experience with support

Counselling can provide space to explore the emotional side of these experiences: the frustration, shame, grief, anxiety or uncertainty that may have built up over time.

It can also help you notice patterns, understand emotional responses, practise self-compassion and consider practical changes that fit your circumstances.

You may want support with a recent diagnosis. You may be wondering whether an assessment would help. Or you may simply know that everyday life is taking more out of you than other people seem to realise.

Counselling can sit alongside diagnostic assessment and medical care where these are needed.

At Thrive Counselling Solutions Adelaide, you’re welcome to explore support and talk about what has been feeling difficult. There is room to begin with your experience, even if you don’t yet have a clear explanation for it.

Think back to getting ready for the gym.

Perhaps the next step is to look at the sequence you’re facing and ask what could make it easier. Fewer things to gather. A simpler plan. Some help getting started. A different way to move.

Understanding your needs gives you more information to work with.

And sometimes, self-compassion begins with giving yourself permission to change the plan.